If someone were to ask me “What is the worst gift that you have ever received?”, I would have to say “Flowers”. Ironically, bouquets are what most of us receive on most occasions. Yeah, so the thought does count but the idea of gifting a dead (or dying) thing to a loved one is purely beyond me – as are damsels who squeal with delight when their beau turns up at the door hiding behind a bunch of decomposing blooms. Why not gift a chicken head instead? All right, so it may not be as “nice smelling” as a bouquet but how nice do bouquets smell anyway. Orchids impregnated with blue dye, genetically messed up lilies, bland roses – how pretentious can you get? I would rather appreciate a potted cactus over a pretty flower plucked away from its umbilical cord only to be smothered under a humid, noisy plastic sheet.
What’s more, we even offer decaying stuff to our Gods! I can’t help but sigh when people turn up at my door with bright smiles and limp flowers. The best (and appropriate) option is to accept them graciously and feed them to a hungry herbivore. Most cows and goats are happy to snack on bloomers. However, inked orchids must go straight to the bin if you don’t want to poison an unassuming animal.
I would dump a boyfriend (even a husband) if he ever tried to surprise me with a bouquet. As a matter of fact, my husband made it to the altar because he never gifted me flowers.