26 May, 2009

The Great Indian Self-Destructive Syndrome

Funny bunch of people we have in this country. A shoot-out in a gurudwara in Vienna is enough to get them burning buses, hurting their own neighbors, stopping trains and destroying public property. This is not the first time when Indians have retorted with destruction to events taking place in random places on the globe.Only this time, I happen to be at the midst of it - the city is under curfew and all my favorite hang-out places are probably seeing fire and blood. I can't help but wonder about the origins of these self-destructive tendencies.At times (more often than not), the protesters/mobbers/rioters have little clue about what they are trying to express. Who are they exactly protesting against? Aren't they totally missing the point?

I guess the "great Indian self-destruction syndrome" (it should officially be a disease) dates back to the time when freedom fighters protested against the colonial rulers by damaging the government property and public facilities as a sign of rejection. If it is so, will someone go tell these simpletons that the Brits left more than half a century ago and the property they are damaging now is very much their own? In fact, they even pay taxes for its maintenance! Such events are just examples of how we as a nation are driven by a herd mentality. The masses are for all practical purposes, incapable of independent thinking, logical reasoning and good social sense. We do what others do (follow religion), like what others like (Shahrukh Khan) and are crazy about what others are crazy about (cricket).A very minuscule section of our national population actually use what they have in their top shelves and think for themselves (and are we grateful for that!).

Does it ultimately boil down to education (not literacy, education)?

Quotable Quotes From A Cricket Hater

IPL is over but the spastics are still splashed over all channels except cartoon network (which is incidentally their rightful place). I realized this when I was trying to catch up on the riots taking place in my own city and the cyclone in Kolkata. C'mon guys, does that pathetic excuse of a game really score over issues of national importance.

More out of irritation that anger, I am compelled to jot some "quotable quotes" about cricket, the assholes who play the game and millions of retards who watch the no-brainer at the edge of their seats with their mouths gaping open.

1. Cricket is not divine pursuit; it is not even a game.

2. Cricket is the bastard child left behind after the Brits were done raping our country.

3. Cricket is eleven men with no balls running after one ball, catching it and then throwing it away.

4. It is no big deal if a jerk hits a ball and runs from one post to another like a banshee. And the crowd cheers.....

5."We won!!" No you didn't win. Nobody wins anything sitting on a couch eating popcorn and drinking beer. You just lost some really precious time and a lot of gray cells.

6. Cricket is too sissy to be manly, too dumb to be feminine. I have yet to come across eunuchs who play cricket.

7. If your Facebook status message reeks of cricket updates, the other areas of your life probably need a lot more attention.

8. Its just a run...what's there to be so worked-up about?

9.Stop watching cricket - get a life!

10. The insect is prettier/ smarter/ more productive than the game.

22 May, 2009

From My Past Relationships I Have Learnt....

1.Nice guys are close to extinction!!


3. You can still be friends even after an ugly break-up.

4. Try not to handle more than one dude at a tym..its messy and lands u in trouble.

5. A dog is better than a man...cuter, easy to train, loyal and best of all..not fond of cricket!

04 May, 2009

In Defence of Slitheren....

It pains me to see the attitude that most people have towards snakes; the most common notion being - "You see a snake, you kill it". I mean, what did the poor slitherer ever do to us? Fear almost always stems from ignorance. We are scared of snakes because we don't understand them. Yes, some of them are poisonous enough to wipe out a village and yes, some people may find them mean and slimy but that is still not enough reason to "kill" them.Do you even realize how many venomous (metaphorically of course), mean and slimy people you are surrounded with? Do you kill them just because you don't like them? And yeah, they don't even protect your crops from rodents!

Snakes in reality are extremely gentle and timid creatures, just that they command oodles of respect from humans. I fell in love with snakes the first time I held one in my arms and felt weirdly tuned in to its body language. You gotta hold a snake the way IT likes to be held and not the way YOU would like to hold it. That element of respect makes snakes the magnificent creatures that they are.When you hold a snake, you have to leave it free enough to curl around you otherwise they get kinda edgy. If they click with you, they can be extremely friendly (even cuddly) and easy to handle. However, poisonous ones have to be held slightly above the neck. My very first 'body-contact' encounter with a snake was with two pythons and their hatchings. They did not feel the slightest bit intimidated; rather,as cold-blooded creatures, they seemed to enjoy the warmth of a mammalian body.

Some idiots may argue on behalf of the many people who have died of snake bites. Its not the snake's fault! Most snake bites happen in wilderness which is supposed to be THEIR territory, not ours. When you invade someone's space, you do so at your own risk and then, you have no right to complain if you are driven out! If snakes happen to wander into human settlements, it is only because we have not left enough wilderness for them to dwell in peace. A snake will never harm a human unless it is gravely threatened. When faced by a bigger animal, its first instinct is to escape. However, if it is cornered, it has only its venom for self-defense.Then too, it issues multiple warnings by hissing and spatting before going in for the final strike. Can you blame a poor creature for that? Why don't people back off when they see a snake? Why do they have to raise hell and summon a crowd armed with sticks? What is a snake supposed to do when it is faced by an armed mob?

Snakes are beautiful animals and vital to the ecosystem.Once we understand that snakes are as scared of us than we are of them (if not more), the two species may be able to find themselves on the same page. Thats the reason I want to train professionally as a snake-handler so that I can do my bit to spread awareness and help snakes in distress. Hail Slitheren!

02 May, 2009

A Test Assignment That Was Fun

In not more than 250-300 words, create a short story that connects the two pictures. You may interpret and present the nature of connection between these two pictures according to your understanding.

This was not the first time Alex and I had fought. As children, we had got into a tussle over the silliest of things but we always made-up before our moms gave us the dinner call. But today it was different – we were no longer innocent seven year olds who could forgive and forget in a jiffy. We had grown into two egotistical twenty-something’s who would rather disown an age-old friend than apologize. I knew he had hurt me but I could not allow myself to let go of the beautiful memories that we shared. As we stood detached on the ruins that had once been our favorite hang-out spot, I reminisced how we used to steal colorful, sugar-laden lollypops from the cabinet and hide in the ruins to gorge on them. Maybe this sticky-sweet friendship resulted from eating too many sticky-sweet lollies. For us, slurping on lollypops was a way to celebrate, to rejoice in each other’s company, to end an argument or to simply pass time. But that was then – we had left our child-like innocence far behind us.

Today, as we stood together at our secret hide-out, there was a deafening silence between us. The rustic, defragmented walls of the iconic structure now aptly represented the aura between us. Maybe like the ruins, our friendship had failed to stand the test of time. As I stared across the green grasslands, I saw something bright in my field of vision. It was Alex’s hand and it held a beautiful bundle of colorful lollypops! Maybe going back in time wasn’t so difficult at all…

20 April, 2009

Shallow, Shallow World

Ever wondered how shallow and vain we humans tend to get? How we tend to judge and subsequently snub people who we think are not as smart/pretty/rich/successful as we are? I can bet how most of us are nauseated by the overload of "fairness creams" ads that feel like a gritty piece of gravel when you're gorging on your fave Biryani.

Why has our idea of beauty narrowed down to how fairer/thinner/taller we can get? Whatever happened to the good ol' heart, a sense of humor, intellect, strength of character and well-nurtured talent? As a list down the virtues, I realize how bookish and other-wordly they sound now. It is perfectly OK for our generation to reject a perfectly nice person just because he/she does not meet the checklist of perfect complexion ( no, this does not imply clear, healthy skin but "fair" even if the rest of the package looks and behaves like a stinkin' garbage can), height, weight and other stuff that's not likely to last for another decade. This, let me clarify, is not a random, thoughtless statement and neither is it an all-encompassing one. I see people around me every moment who are completely obsessed with the way they look and they are cruelly critical of others who don't care a hoot about what they are wearing with what and how their hair is not perfectly framing their face to accentuate their features.

Sure its great to be well groomed and nicely turned out but is it all that is there to life? Doesn't it take a small bit of life away from you if you refuse to open the car window when its cool and breezy outside for the fear of ruining your hairdo? Aren't you turning your back on small pleasures by refusing to eat a chocolate pie you so damn love coz you're scared it will land up on your butt? Don't you feel ugly staring at the mirror when there are larger and more important things waiting for your attention? Don't you feel disgusting inside when a close friend unloads his/her worries on you and all you can think of is what you should wear to the party tonight?

I might be wrong (though I hope I am not) but in my opinion, people who are all about themselves are somewhere very insecure inside. They know they are ugly and they have little to offer other than branded clothes and a chiselled body. The make-up and high-maintainance haidos are facades which they use to hide the hollowness within themselves. Why are they so scared of showing their real selves to the world? Why do they feel like death if someone saw them before they got out of bed? I am compelled to form an opinion because of late, I have been coming across too many people who do not believe in keeping it real.

16 April, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

1. I can cuddle a python (I have a soft corner for reptiles) but I'm shit scared of dead cockroaches.
2. When I'm tired, uncomfortable, stressed or irritated, I darken my room and light an incense stick to sooth my senses.
3. Tube lights (or any other harsh white lights) give me a gritty "sandpaper on the wall" feeling and I switch them on only when a guest insists and that too, at the expense of my inner peace. I totally dig zero watt yellow bulbs or candles.
4. If I ever decide to undergo plastic surgery, I would get my face reduced to half its size.
5. I'm a hard-core believer in karma and how life comes in a full circle. I also believe that energy (life) is recycled across the universe and that's why no-one really "dies".
6. I'm a sucker for chaat and churans like imli golis, anardana golis, fatafat and other smacky stuff - can't have enough of it!
7. I find physical and personality quirks attractive. Normal and perfect does not interest me at all.
8. An animal's company can take all my blues away.
9. People are often scandalized by my words and actions - I secretely enjoy it.
10. My fave attire is a pair of men's shorts , a relaxed tee and flip-flops/crocs.
11. I am addicted to lip balm (fruity ones) and have to moisturize my hands every time I touch something dusty....yes, I do have OCD.
12. I don't have an explanation for this, but I involuntarily tend to loath things that have a mass following. Examples: Cricket, Shahrukh Khan, poker straight hair with blond streaks, skinny jeans, religion (all of 'em), materialism, an obsession with making babies....
13. I share my home with one husband, six pigeons and two tortoises.
14. I have had babysitters from Pakistan, Egypt, Czechoslovakia, Bangladesh, Iran, Syria, Phillipines and Sudan but it was finally an Indian who agreed to keep me for more than a week.
15. I can't drink anything with fizz or anything that is hot. I eat my food when it's room temperature and I love organic drinks like coconut water, kokum, aam panna, buttermilk, sol kadi, C2H5OH etc...
16. I pass most of my free time day-dreaming and making up things in my mind.
17. I feel uncomfortable talking on the phone...I prefer mailing or chatting. It might be worth mentioning that there used to be a time when I could talk all night on the phone.
18. Muscular men put me off. And so do small, thin papery ears (did I mention that I have an ear fetish?)
19. I believe traveling can teach you stuff that no book/school can.
20. I live my life on very simple terms...that's probably why I haven't experienced negative emotions like stress, depression, anxiety and sadness in a long while.
21. If I could have only one thing in my life, it would be FREEDOM - can't think of living without it!!
22. I am a full-time optometrist turned full-time writer - and very proud of the transition.
23. I hate it when people gift me flowers.
24. I may come across as a party animal but I am a very family oriented person who loves to spend time at home.
25. I 'm permanently happy coz I'm always optimistic and I think nothing is big or important enough to fret over..we're just an insignificant part in the larger scheme of things.

15 April, 2009

Indian Men - I Tell You!

What's with these Indian men, I don't understand. When they are young, single and ready to mingle, they totally dig hot chicks ( the ones who rank high on the fashion meter, are avid party goers, enjoy their cocktails, don't hold back from hurling a certain hindi swear word or two at lecherous uncles and who can while the night away driving around with a random guy on a mobike). From what I can gather, they like hanging around with a bindaas babe because they get to do all the "guy things" like drinking, smoking, talking dirty and using foul language without feeling awkward or stared upon. Then, out of the blue, they settle with a demure damsel in distress who would avoid you like the AIDS if you just offer her a drag from your fag ( disclaimer: I do NOT look down upon people who do not drink/smoke/abuse but I DO look down upon people who look down upon smokers/drinkers/abusers).

Believe me, it has happened to me quite a number of times (the dirty looks from familiar women) even though I don't practice any of the above mentioned "sins" to a significant degree but to tell you the truth, I'm no miss goody two shoes either! I do have my sexy, naughty, bitchy moments every now and then.

Coming back to the point of typical Indian men, why do they choose the perennially salwar kameez clad distressed damsel for matrimony when they have been hanging around with the bindaas siren babe all their years. The funny part is yet to come - why after marrying the distressed damsel do they still yearn for the bindaas babe and stare/make a pass at her when the opportunity arises? Why do they not stare/make a pass at other distressed damsels who their friends married? Why do they hide their smoking/drinking/porn watching habits from their new wife when they had been doing it all along with their girlfriends? Why don't they marry a girl who could give them company at the bar, watch a porn flick and maybe enjoy a fag when its cold and rainy? Wouldn't that in a way prevent them from going overboard with any of these vices? Do they feel that such a girl would be bad at running the house or set a bad example as a parent? Are they insecure that a bold, confident girl would invite a lot of attention from other males?

I know, my thoughts may seem baseless and even shallow - they just popped up out of nowhere. Actually not really out of nowhere - lately I have seen many of my male acquantainces doing the same. The phenomenon really beats me. Can anyone (preferably an Indian male) shed any light on this?

25 March, 2009

Crazy Monday

Its been so long since I typed my mind out ...so much so that I almost forgot that I have a blog. Well, quite frankly there was nothing extraordinary happening anyways. When things are humdrum and ...well normal, there's always a thing called impulse that can get things moving. Not that it was a life-altering experience, but I had a pretty crazy (and rather spiritually liberating) moment this Monday.

There was this Felix the Cat T-shirt I had my heart on but hubby pooh-poohed it for being silly and blah. I thought it was silly-cute or cutely silly...whateva! I would have had another torturous day at the dentist with a masked monster clinking-clanking steely instruments in my mouth if it was not for the turn I took for the market. I got my Felix the Cat and was quite happy and content with life when I happened to walk past this sidey jeweler shop. I have absolutely no idea what ran through my head and within minutes I found myself sitting on a chair screeching in agony as the piercing guy obliged me with five new studs on each ear....yeeeoww! It was freakin fuckin painful...especially the top cartilaginous half of the ear. To make it worse, a little girl walked in a DIDN'T scream when she got hers pierced (I had begged for a break).

Heaven knows how I drove back home WITH the helmet on and a lingering anxiety over how hubby would react (it was nothing big, just the usual wat-the-f*** expression and some remarks that implied I was crazy). The pain was kinda spiritual stuff coz I've heard of people who inflict pain upon themselves to release pent up emotions. I didn't have any pent up stuff to boot but yeah, it reminded me of how physically enduring and mentally strong I was because I didn't give up midway. Right now, I'm just pumping in antibiotics and painkillers, hoping for the piercings to heal soon so that I can put on some nice silver rings and wear my hair up to flaunt 'em off!

06 January, 2009

My Quest For Divinity

Who is God? An illusion? A fragment of imagination? An element? A “He” or a “She”? Or an “It”? A human being’s quest for divinity probably dates back to the specie’s very existence. I looked for God all over for years- in prayers, temples, churches, mosques and gurudwaras. Just when I was beginning to border on atheism, I saw “Him” basking in the sun with the walruses. God was all around when I stood on the deck of a ship in the midst of an endless ocean and when I trecked through the mountain air impregnated with the fresh fragrance of pine. What could be more divine than a dark, juicy chocolate pastry or a plate of fiery chaat?

The Worst Gift Ever...

If someone were to ask me “What is the worst gift that you have ever received?”, I would have to say “Flowers”. Ironically, bouquets are what most of us receive on most occasions. Yeah, so the thought does count but the idea of gifting a dead (or dying) thing to a loved one is purely beyond me – as are damsels who squeal with delight when their beau turns up at the door hiding behind a bunch of decomposing blooms. Why not gift a chicken head instead? All right, so it may not be as “nice smelling” as a bouquet but how nice do bouquets smell anyway. Orchids impregnated with blue dye, genetically messed up lilies, bland roses – how pretentious can you get? I would rather appreciate a potted cactus over a pretty flower plucked away from its umbilical cord only to be smothered under a humid, noisy plastic sheet.
What’s more, we even offer decaying stuff to our Gods! I can’t help but sigh when people turn up at my door with bright smiles and limp flowers. The best (and appropriate) option is to accept them graciously and feed them to a hungry herbivore. Most cows and goats are happy to snack on bloomers. However, inked orchids must go straight to the bin if you don’t want to poison an unassuming animal.
I would dump a boyfriend (even a husband) if he ever tried to surprise me with a bouquet. As a matter of fact, my husband made it to the altar because he never gifted me flowers.